I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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