I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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