I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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