no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
