and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
