I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
