You can't special order awesome
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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