2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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