It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
