The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
