Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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