It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
