Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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