Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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