just tell him i said nine months
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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