dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
