just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
