Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
