Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
