There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
