No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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