I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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