My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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