My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
