Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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