I need to stop coming to work sober
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
