after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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