you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
