All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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