Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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