Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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