.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
