wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
