People with herpes should wear stickers.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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