I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
