i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
