Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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