I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I look better un-naked...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
