you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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