apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
