They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
