I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
