Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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