I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
