cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
