My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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