homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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