I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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