where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
