I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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