i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
