My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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